yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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