I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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