If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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