I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
is wine microwaveable?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
