I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
