you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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