The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
