I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
