I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
