you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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