just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
