I puked a lego.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
