She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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