hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
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He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
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I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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