Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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