Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
