The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it was like eating out sand paper
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You're like the curious george of whores
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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