The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
