i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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