the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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