Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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