oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling