I heard we made out
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
