i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere