Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
