My Higher Power is John Stamos
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
