I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
