apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
