looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
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I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.