I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
barbara walters just said penis...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
