The maid of honor just puked.
he puts the penis in happiness.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me