man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The pigeons can smell the fear
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.