Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
