There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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