Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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