I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
time to smoke my breakfast
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
