The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
