I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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