i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
