I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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