I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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