I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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