today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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