you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I have post one night stand depression
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
