Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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