even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
