sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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