Just fell off a train. Bad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
