im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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