I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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