I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just want to make out with him forever
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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