I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
