dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Is Oprah even human
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
