Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
