Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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