I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
