I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
