go do what you do best...puke behind churches
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
