trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
