Cold hands, warm shart.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
