you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
